How I Feel At This Point In Time. =/

when i first realized that i am in love with you, i took long walks for about 2 full weeks everyday just to think of how amazing it would be if i held you in my arms or just thinking about your smile and personality, and it warmed my heart and gave me this tingling sensation throughout my body and frankly, i have to admit i love that feeling and thinking of you. its like what krytonite is to superman or what a feast is to the famine. But like often we get into these little things thats sort of like an arguement but not really because i hate to argue, and one of us gets immature -_-. If you really love me be straight up and speak your mind, if i really love you i will do the same. Usually i listen to my younger siblings who have already been in a relationship or their take on it, or even a friendship scenario, but right now i have to think for me. Im 18, Pocket full of scholarships and acceptance letters, but the only thing pulling me back from even thinking about college, is my life. I havent had the chance to explore the world the way i want to explore it rather than just going on trips around the world that relates to business and im not going to college for a year so i can do so. But the only thing keeping me from moving out is; if i move out, will i have someone to stay with me through the night when im scared? and thats where i stop because like everything was perfect it was all planned out, graduation, move, college, yada yada and now its like we cant even have half of the convos we used to have...well we can, but to me it just doesnt feel the same. I know i love you im 100% positive of that but i feel like theirs something im missing. I want to get closer to you and even call you, but i cant and that gets you mad but its like, it gets me mad as well. Its not like im purposely holding you off or anything everyone knows i have eyes for you and my heart is for you but your just not getting it, people, events, and all of this other dumb shit gets in the way like me not having a phone? Idk is that something to get mad about? Probably but really....i wont even say it you guys know where im heading with this one. I just wanted to say that i love you and what ever the future holds for me, all depends on what happens, life is a game of chance so lets flip the coin and see what we get, we either dont, or do. 50/50 chance for either one. Just hang in tight im trying to at least :(( and dont let go plz. i wont no matter what anyone says. This entire blog might be random and pointless to you but it just sums up what im feeling right now i felt like putting it onto something and im trying to save paper due to the bad enviroment. SAVE MR SPLASHY PANTS!!